"Coconut III Radio Interview"

1985 B.G.Matthews and Ray Lee

background music by unknown new-wave-ish movie soundtrack used without permission

*edit : these lyrics match the mp3, the entire long, drawn-out 13 minute thing super-edited-out

Vocal B.G. (as Large Bat)

Vocal B.G. (as Marveenia Schmultz)

Vocal Ray (as Barnelva Schmultz)

Vocal Ray (as Lucy Schmultz)

[backgound music fades in]

(girls vamp "Maybe tomorrow, someday, someday")

Large Bat: Hi welcome to the Large Bat Show. I'm Large Bat you know and, special treat for ya tonight, we got the hottest group to come out of the islands for a while in the studio with us right now, the Coconut III; Barnelva, Marveenia and Lucy, and we're gonna talk about their new album. (gurgles, erps)

Lucy: [...] So big deal. And just why do you think we're so damn rich, huh?

Marveenia: Yeah, we're not Debbie Boone, you know.

Barnelva: Yeah, we don't even own any white shoes.

Large Bat: OK, well, Barnelva, you're the oldest sister and the leader of the group, in fact, it was all your idea in the first place.

Barnelva: Oh yes, darling. We were all pretty bored working on our father's coconut farm. It was just ruining my nails.

Marveenia: Mine too.

Lucy: Not me, I don't have any. I bite 'em, all of 'em. (huhuhu)

Barnelva: Anyway, my boyfriend Biff entered us in a contest.

Marveenia: An amatuer contest.

Lucy: Yeah, we weren't professionals then.

Barnelva: Well, we lip-synched and danced!

Lucy: Yeah, we've been dancing together ever since we were little girls when daddy use to make movies of us in his underpants.

Marveenia: Shut up, Lucy!

Barnelva: Anyway, we won the contest and big-time producer Mel Schwartz discovered us, saw us taught us to sing and play instruments and a month later we were big stars.

Large Bat: Wow, what a story.

Lucy: Oh that's nothing. One time some of the native boys tied me to a tree and they had these lobsters, see...

Large Bat: OK well, I'll take the fifth caller to correctly guess the name of the new Coconut III record. But first, we got a clue for ya from Marveenia. Go babe.

Marveenia: OK. What's big, red, stinky and sometimes throbs?

Large Bat: There you go everybody, phone lines are open and we'll be back in a moment.

[background music stops and cue "Moe's Used Cars" jingle]

[backgound music fades in]

Large Bat: We're back! Got the Coconut III here with us and...

Lucy: Hey

Barnelva: Yeah, Bat. Leave her alone. She's been through enough.

Large Bat: I just thought the fans might want to hear the true story [...]

Marveenia: I don't want to talk about it. Change the subject.

Marveenia: [...] ok he just graduated from technical school and he got a job in the junkyard taking cars apart right as soon as he got out. Ain't that great?

Large Bat: Yeah, well...

Lucy: Huh! That's nothing. My boyfriend Butch never went to high school even and he's got two Cadillacs, lots of money, and real pretty clothes and all he does is fly down to Miami every once in a while. That's all he does.

Large Bat: OK, well, no one has guessed the name of the new LP by the Coconut III yet, but so here we go another clue from Barnelva this time.

Barnelva: OK. What do you have to shake it up before... [LB cuts in] (and uh huh.) (...anything comes out of it?)

[background music stops and cue "Moe's Used Cars"]

[background music fades in]

Large Bat: Alright back with the Coconut III; Barnelva, Marveenia and Lucy Schmultz. Have you uh girls lived on the islands all your lives?

Barnelva: Well, we were born in Boston.

Marveenia: Then we moved to Cleveland.

Lucy: (hehe)

Barnelva: Then daddy won the coconut farm when he was in Vegas and here we are!

Large Bat: You girls don't talk about your mother very much. How about letting us all know a little bit about her.

Lucy: mmm. She was a real rag!

Marveenia: I hate her!

Barnelva: We never really knew her very well. And she ran away with the village voodoo doctor when we real young.

Marveenia: So daddy hired a witch to cast an evil spell on her but it backfired and she became queen of the island.

Barnelva: And when mother found out about the evil spell, she imposed a big tax on coconut exports making daddy lose a lot of money.

Marveenia: So we had to start buying our own clothes and make-up with our own money.

Lucy: Yeah, so I called her a puffed-up evil hog on national TV and she put me in jail with the torture chamber. That's where I met my boyfriend, Butch. [...]

Large Bat: Anyway, so here you girls are, smack dab in the middle of a huge, successful musical career. Where do you go from here?

Barnelva: Well, our manager is trying to get us in the movies.

Marveenia: But, we just haven't got any good parts yet.

Lucy: Yeah, we fucked-up all our screen tests so far, Bat.

Large Bat: Oh that's too bad. [...]

Lucy: [...] I think you're kinda cute. hehehe

Large Bat: Well, let's take a few more callers on the name of your new album. But this time here Lucy's got a clue for us.

Lucy: Yeah. Here goes. It raises it's head in a touchy situation. What is it?

[background music fades in]

Large Bat: You heard her, folks. Let's get a correct answer here and a big winner on the Large Bat Show. Be right back.

[background music stops and cue "Moe's Used Cars"]

[background music fades in]

[background music fades out]

Large Bat: OK, we got a winner! [all three vamp "alright", yay", etc.] What's your name baby?

(caller voice running through actual telephone for authenticity)

Caller: Sharon Louise Bone

Large Bat: Ok Sharon, where are you calling from?

Caller: Ummm, 166 Sunset Drive, apartment number... (**) [LB cuts in]

(**messing up, Ray's quick wit trying to recover by pushing a button to keep line open to record )

Large Bat: Oh no no no, honey. Not your address.

Caller: I've got a party line yeh (ad lib).

Large Bat: Ok. Alright just your city.

Caller: Oh, I'm from Poison Island.

Large Bat: OK hey well, are you ready for the big question now?

Caller: hehe Ok. Ok well are we ready? Yeah.

Large Bat: Are you ready for the big question Sharon?

Large Bat: Ok Sharon.

Caller: Ok.

Large Bat: Ok Sharon. Ok what is the name of the new Coconut III record album?

Caller: It's called 'Phallus Symbolism'.

Large Bat: Hey alright! How'd you ever guess Sharon?

[all three yell "yay", that's right, etc.]

Large Bat: Sharon how did you ever guess the name of the album?

Caller: Well, the clues helped out but, Lucy's my best friend and she told me before the show.

[we're sorry, your call did not go through lol...]

Caller: I got to break this party line hold on just a second .

Large Bat: Well, I don't know if that disqualifies you or not hey but, stay on the line so we can get your address and send you your prize, OK?

Caller: I already told you. It's 166 Sun... [LB cuts in]

Large Bat: No No not on the air, babe.

[your call did not go through...]

Caller: OK. 'Hi Lucy!'

[ intended silence ]

Large Bat: Ok Sharon, who's your favorite DJ radio talk show host?

Caller: Well, Gila Monster Jack is, but you come in second.

[background music fades in]

Large Bat: Ok. well, back to the Coconut III. Uh, Barnelva, you start your inter-island tour next week, ain't that right?

Barnelva: That's right, Bat. We kick it off with two shows in Miami then on to the Pineapple Civic Center on Isle du Cannibal, a night at the Rock-O-Mat in Port St. Marge...

Large Bat: Sounds like a full schedule to me...

Marveenia: Well, we have our own plane, Bat. Makes it a lot easier...

Large Bat: Got any closing statements, Lucy?

Lucy: Yeah Bat. It's been real fun in the studio with you. Wanna go on a date with me sometime?

(all four simultaneously vamp with a half-minute of mumbo and "Nothing lasts forever. That is true. Oh yeh yeh".)

[fade out]

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© 1985 brugama music